Test Chamber Seventeen
by The Great Dodecahedron
Summary: Portal one-shot: if Weighted Companion Cubes could speak, what would they talk about?


_The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube cannot speak. In the event that the Weighted Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice._

Chell glanced down at the heart-decorated cube hanging in her portal gun's electric grip.

It didn't say anything.

She shrugged and carried the cube back out into the central area of Test Chamber 17. Having passed numerous tests by this point, Chell was beginning to get a sense for what to do next. Three raisable Victory Lift platforms were between her and the exit; she had already raised two of them, and she could see the High Energy Pellet catcher that would activate the third. It was on a sloped platform halfway up the wall.

The pieces assembled themselves in her mind: High Energy Pellet launcher at beginning of chamber, portal surfaces available, trajectory—

"Hey."

Chell blinked. Had she heard something?

"Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey, lady. Lady."

She looked down. Was that the cube speaking?

"Space. Gotta go to space. Lady."

It... was.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, lady. Ooh, let's go to space!"

The test proctor had known what she was talking about. This Companion Cube gave _awful_ advice.

"Let's go— let's go to space. Let's go to space!"

Chell shook her head and got back to work. Two portals and a bit of walking down narrow corridors got her to the pellet launcher. A pellet bounced off the cube. Did it take any notice?

"Wanna go to space."

No.

She placed a portal where she expected the pellet to go, then went back and placed another portal where she wanted it to come out. Blue and orange made _science_.

The pellet emerged a few seconds later, bounced off a sloped wall, and hit the catcher square in the middle. The third Victory Lift rose into position.

"I know! I know. I know, I know, I know. I know: let's go to space."

Chell took a deep breath and jumped to the first platform. Three more jumps and she would be at the end. She jumped—

"Hey. Lady! Where're we going?"

She missed and fell to the floor, only her spring-loaded Advanced Knee Replacements saving her from serious injury.

"Where're we going? Let's go to space."

She portaled herself back to the start and tried again.

"Space."

She gritted her teeth and tried to focus. On the third platform now, one more jump—

"Lady, wait! Wait, wait, I know."

She missed again.

"I know: _space_."

Returning to the first jump, she wondered if she could leave the cube behind. However, the test proctor had said that she was supposed to keep it and bring it along.

Perhaps if she shook it, it would quiet down. Chell clumsily swung the Companion Cube round and round on the end of her portal gun, pivoting on her heel.

"Orbit. Space orbit. In my spacesuit."

Well, continuing any longer would only make her dizzy. Back to the test. Blocking out the cube's babbling as best as she could, she made the jumps, and this time got all the way through.

"What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space."

Chell promised herself that she was definitely never going to space.

She'd reached the exit now. Round the bend, up the stairs... ahead were sliding doors controlled by a 1500 MW Aperture Science Heavy Duty Supercolliding Super Button. Chell liked those; they made the most satisfying sound when pressed. She dumped the cube on it and gratefully sprinted through the opening doors.

_You did it,_ the proctor began.

The test wasn't finished yet. Chell took it in in a flash: switch, floor-mounted iris hatch, another set of doors.

Her instincts kicked in and she flew into action. Switch opened hatch, hatch uncovered hole, object went in hole, objective completed, doors would open. What object went in the hole...?

"Ba! Ba. Ba, ba, ba, space!"

She knew what she wanted the answer to be.

_The Weighted Companion Cube certainly brought you good luck. Unfortunately—_

The hatch closed back up just as Chell tried to drop the cube through it. It stuck halfway through the iris, wedged tight, still singing about space in the key of Ba. She went back to press the switch again, but the hatch wouldn't open.

The proctor sounded quite surprised for a disembodied electronic voice. _You are the first test subject on record to attempt to euthanize the Weighted Companion Cube before being told. This part of the test has been placed on hold, as the Enrichment Center would like to ask you to take a few moments to contemplate your choice and its consequences instead of acting on impulse. The Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator will__—_

With one final stomp and a squeal of abused metal, Chell forced the cube, still singing, through the iris and down into the incinerator's shaft.

"Ooh! The sun! I'm gonna meet the sun..." was the last thing she heard from it as it disappeared into the red glow below.

There was a contemplative silence.

_...well, well. Your approach to companionship and violence is... eye-opening. We've all learned something today; the Enrichment Center offers its sincerest congratulations. Cake will now be served._


End file.
